satire

Upsetting New Study Finds that Majority of Snitches Can’t Even AFFORD to Get Stitches!

Just when you thought health care in America couldn’t get more wack, a new study was released that said almost, if not all, of snitches cannot even afford to get their proverbial stitches. 

Because snitches have been unable to pay for the medical fees involving stitches, those who would have been responsible for the snitches getting stitches have held back on their administration of justice.

Ray Brandbury, a man who has been proudly putting snitches in their place since ’87, sadly told us that he no longer “feels right about it.”

“Nothing, and I mean nothing, feels better than showing a snitch what their place is in the world. It’s never a good place, neither. Cause where a snitch belongs is behind a Rumpke, or doing something inane like eating at a TGIF’s on a Tuesday,” Brandbury passionately said.

He continued.

“But I’m a good guy, besides my whole snitch-complex. I want to give these kids justice. I don’t want to have them bleeding all over the sidewalk and making a mess for somebody else!” Brandbury gave a jovial laugh.

With the costs of stitches for snitches being what they are, Brandbury has taken to leaving strongly worded notes on cars, putting sugar in the salt shaker at restaurant, things like that.

“Just because snitches can’t get stitches, that doesn’t mean justice should stop!”

We reached out to several snitches for this interview, but they were all taking notes off their cars, sending their sugared-foods back, etc.

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