satire

Area Woman Tired of Your Bullshit

Just when you thought you couldn’t annoy anybody else, you annoyed an area woman while you were grocery shopping this Sunday afternoon. You were standing in front of the bread aisle for like, ten minutes, overwhelmed by the amount of different sorts of bread there is in the world. You thought to yourself, why is there so much bread? Why am I so bad at making decisions? Is my inability to choose a bread in a normal amount of time a reflection on my absolutely lack of maturity? Why can’t I make small decisions on a day-to-day basis? Isn’t it insane that the United States is considered the breadbasket of the world? I wonder what sort of bread we made for the troops in the world wars. They probably had wheat because that’s so healthy. I should be healthy, maybe I’ll get wheat today. If I choose this wheat bread, the one with the little pieces of grain stuck on the sides of the crust, will I see that in my poop the next day? Is that going to gross me out? 

You were so involved with your own thoughts, you weirdo, that you didn’t realize there had been a woman standing behind you trying to get to the bread the whole entire time you had been deciding what bread to buy. You only noticed when she coughed for what must have realistically been the umpteenth time in the last several minutes. You said, oh, sorry, and she gave you a curt nod, but you saw it on her face that she hated you then more than she’s ever hated anything in her life and probably would hate anything, ever.

With a sigh, you grabbed the whole grain bread you had been staring at for ages, and made your way to the cheese aisle. You resigned yourself to the reality that you would do the same thing with American versus cheddar, and said a little prayer to all the area people at the grocery store who would have to continue to put up with such inane bullshit for at least another half an hour, forty-five minutes tops.

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