satire

Ever Since I Bought a Salt Lamp, I’ve Become a Math Genius and My Sex Life is Off the Charts!

I never thought buying a pink Himalayan salt lamp could change my life. In fact, I had laughed right in the faces of my friends who had purchased their own salt lamps, thinking that somehow having a warm hunk of salt in their room would improve their overall health. What idiots! I would say. I promised myself I would never be one of those people, one of those goddamn fools falling into the empty promises of pseudo-science. 

But then I was at T.J.MAXX (what can I say, even skeptics are Maxxinistas), and I saw a salt lamp for half off. And I thought, okay. It’s $15, it’s cute, it’ll be a nice little somethin’ somethin’ for my apartment. So I bought it, surprised at myself as I held the 20-pound box in the check out lane. I had never done something so boujee with such little irony before. Was I growing? Was I taking chances on the scientifically unproven, but hippie-white-girl approved? Was I falling into the empty promises of consumerism, which, for a certain amount of hard-earned dollars, is now going so far as to promise a holistically better lifestyle?

It didn’t matter because before I knew it I had owned the salt lamp for two weeks…and, let me tell you, the results have been significant.

I noticed the changes almost immediately, when I calculated a tip one night without consulting my phone’s built in calculator. Was I becoming a math genius? Was it because of the salt lamp I had in my room ever since I bought it? I concluded a resounding yes to both questions. You might be thinking, that doesn’t sound legit! But to be fair this is a super low-stakes claim to make so I decided to roll with it.

Not only did I become a math genius, but I also became a sex god. A week or so ago, I noticed a very handsome young man completely checking me out at the local coffee joint. After a while, he even came over to me to say hello! He had been looking over, he said, because I had crackers literally all over my face from eating them as I was reading and he wasn’t sure that I had noticed. So he didn’t get my number or anything, but he came over and talked to me! And get this…the crackers I was eating? Saltines. Saltines. Get it? It’s uncanny.

My life is so much better since I got a salt lamp. The only downside is that I now own, like, a huge hunk of salt that I will have to physically carry with me throughout my adult life, and deers keep coming to my window because they can smell it. But I can live with that. I mean, I can live with anything. I’m a math genius and a sex god now. Thank you, salt! And a special thank you to T.J. Maxx. Please sponsor me.

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