satire

Breaking: Guy You Dated Last Year Still Asshole

Advice column

In a shocking turn of events that no one at all saw coming, your ex-boyfriend is still a huge asshole. This is a gigantic surprise for absolutely everyone, as he was so incredibly sweet to you when you were dating, in between all of the moments in which he was, you guessed it, a complete asshole. The whole entire world is dumbstruck that after you texted him to thoughtfully check in, your ex waited several hours to reply, and when he did he replied with “sup” like a huge, smelly asshole. Seriously, everyone is literally flabbergasted that the person who forgot your birthday and then later asked you to rub his feet won’t give you the time of day when you’re trying to just be a goddamn friendly person. It’s a shock that no matter how nice you are or how much time has passed, this person who one time ate your Chipotle leftovers without asking is still a terrible, good-for-nothing, life-sized asshole.

But maybe text him tomorrow and see if he wants to get together soon? We all think it’s a really good idea.

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