What Other Stuff Can Russia Help Us With?


A Christmas list from one nation to another.

Russia so helpfully expedited our Presidential election—kindly helping us decide which candidate would look best half-naked on a bear—but why should its involvement end there? This Christmas, Americans look not toward their cheery, rosy-cheeked Santa Claus to fulfill their wish list, but to an old KGB member who can tell Americans what they really need. “I feel a personal connection with Putin because I  stared at his rock-hard abs for over an hour last Tuesday,” said Ohioan Betsy Wilson, who does not identify as either a Republican or Democrat, but refers to herself as a Red-Blooded Capitalist. “I know Putin and I feel differently about some things, but I feel like this holiday season he can really get me what I need.” She added that Santa Claus is sort of a communist if she thinks about it, and way too much of a wussy for her, anyway. “With Putin, I can get so much more than a new bead for my Pandora bracelet. Putin doesn’t shop at stores!” She threw her head back, laughing. “He walks right in and says America! Ukraine! Мой!” Americans everywhere are forwarding Christmas lists full of items people think they want but don’t actually want because getting those items could possibly lead to the end of the world to Russia to see what Putin can work his beautiful holiday magic on.



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