satire

College Student Who Burned Grilled Cheese Is Finding New And Exciting Ways To Fail

Local college sophomore Shelby Reynolds, who recently burned a grilled cheese sandwich she was making, claims that her failure simply adds to her current mission of finding new and exciting ways to fail. “My mom is always getting on me about doing more, you know?” Reynolds said, holding another burned grilled cheese in her hand. “She’s concerned I’m not living, that I’m not making enough mistakes.” Reynolds crunches into her sandwich, sending black char flying through the room. “So I intentionally make a mistake every day now,” she said. Some of these mistakes, according to the volleyball player and ironic Yu-Gi-Oh! enthusiast, were “adrenaline-filled, sexy, and life-threatening.” But after awhile, Reynolds said, the big, scary mistakes she was supposed to be making as a college student, such as tip-toeing the line between “good fun” and “alcoholism,” getting tattoos in places she won’t be able to really see during her second pregnancy and general sexual deviancy, became tiring. “I failed a class, changed my major to the most unhireable thing I could think of, and acquired a faint German accent, just to prove to my mom how well I can YOLO,” she said. Unfortunately, after having run out of obvious ways to experiment with the cloth of life, Reynolds was forced to screw up even the smallest things. “It doesn’t taste too good,” she said, crunching. “But it gives me a rush, you know? I’m really living my best life.”
Her mother was unavailable for comment.

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