satire

NASA Changed My Zodiac Sign and I’m F*ing PISSED

Hey NASA, it’s me, Amanda Brennan. I just have one question for you. Where in the HELL do you get off?

All my life I’ve been a Gemini. I remember Googling my birthday and Google itself telling me I was a Gemini. I read the description of my sign and I thought this perfectly describes me! (and disregarded the parts I didn’t like.) I would look up at the stars late at night and wink, knowing that my past and present and sex life were all written up there, in some indistinguishable code that people on the internet deciphered for me once a week. But it wasn’t all fun and games. I worked to be a Gemini.

When I read that Geminis were quick-witted, what did I do? I went out and bought a freaking Jay Leno knock-knock jokes book. When I read that Geminis were shallow, I stopped talking to my second grade best friend. When she asked me why, I replied with all the sageness of a fifty year old woman with a rosary dangling in her cleavage that it was simply in the stars.

And now, because you’ve decided that there’s another constellation I have to adjust my whole entire personality to fit your needs? What if I don’t want to assume another identity? What if I was planning on being a writer, which is something Geminis happen to excel at? What the hell do Tauruses even do? What the hell even is the plural form of the word Taurus? See? I am not cut out for this!
Also, why zodiac signs? Shouldn’t you be trying to communicate with aliens or something, and not ruining everyone’s lives?

I’ve gotta run and research what my personality should be like now. Thanks, NASA!

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