satire

My Secret Lady Power

 

Paul Manafort recently said that when Hillary Clinton is threatened by a female, she “tries to destroy them.” The “she” in question is the willing bride of Donald Trump, Melania Trump. The destruction he is referring to? The obvious plagiarism of Michelle Obama’s 2008 convention speech. If you haven’t looked at it, do so here.

To Manafort, and everyone else who thinks Clinton is behind Mrs. Trump parading Mrs. Obama’s words as her own, I say this: everything you have ever suspected is true.

As a woman, I feel qualified to speak on behalf of all other women. And though this is hard for me to write, because my brain is always thinking about tampons, I do have to say that yes, Clinton is absolutely somehow behind the plagiarism. Because Melania is so hot and Hillary is so not, the latter has had to try impressive stunts in order to win the public’s favor. Among these is running for President.

Clinton’s ability to target enemies who threaten her power (read: are hotter than she is (read: because women derive their power from how hot they are)) is primarily reliant on one skill that all women possess. This is the skill of mind control, but only a particular kind which allows one woman to make another woman seem less than Presidential while reading a speech at a Republican National Convention. How do I know this? I, too, have this special talent.

Like all child-bearers, I am overly emotional, dull, relatively unintelligent, and almost completely dependent on a man (it doesn’t matter who, can be a stranger) to permit me to function in everyday society. It is all just so hard. But the upswing to this seemingly tepid way of life imposed upon me by my genitalia and hormone releases and gender identification is that I am capable of, very specifically, making people recite Michelle Obama. I did this one time to a girl I went to school with. But that’s a long story, like this one.

In conclusion, we’re all winners and I think we need to make America great again, but in this America if the women aren’t sexy we shouldn’t listen to them. And we should absolutely give the boot to feminism, because there is no reason we need that, anyway.

 

 

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