satire

Nation Torn Over Calvin Harris, Taylor Swift Conflict

“This is by far the most important thing I’ve seen all week,” said 18 year old Trisha Walters, scanning her iPhone. “I feel so lucky to be alive during such a tumultuous time in our nation’s history.”

Walters is of course referring to the recent conflict that has surfaced involving American singer-songwriter/heartbreak sensation Taylor Swift and her ex-beau Calvin Harris, who, in a fit of bravery unbeknownst to common man, tweeted a slew of sharp-tongued and seemingly called for tweets directed at the country-pop crossover. Swift, who has started seeing another young man named Tom Hiddleston, recently confirmed she wrote Harris’ hit song “This Is What You Came For,” lighting a match in the previously docile, but now gaseous and flammable, air between the two ex-lovers.

Calvin Harris has been uncommonly vocal about the split, shocking the world, as the majority of Swift’s ex-boyfriends have a tendency to shove their heads in the sand when she calls it quits. His surprising will to live after she broke up with him as awoken the fear and trembling of a nation.

“I’ve never seen something on the news that I felt so awe-struck by,” said Mike Jones, a 40 year old construction worker. “I wish there was something so nuanced and impactful in the international news that could claim my focus and attention.”

Harris, who said he was “hurt” and unwilling to let Swift “bury” him as she did famed singer and cat impersonator Katy Perry, has served as a good outlet for the world’s newly re-emerged contempt for Swift. His bravery has shook millions.

“Before Calvin stood up to Taylor, I thought I should just settle for things in life,” said Martha Randall, a 30-year old married woman with four kids. “But after I got on Twitter and saw some random Scottish dude take down the queen of perfection itself? I thought geez Louise, I gotta get out of here!”

Randall then abandoned her four young children and her loving husband to pursue her lifelong dream of travelling the world. Currently, she is “blazing a doobie” in the red light district of Amsterdam, thanking God and Calvin Harris for showing her the true potential of mankind, and the beauty that lies past the obstacle of fear.

“Ever since Calvin tweeted about Taylor Swift, I have felt that I too should be living life like there is no tomorrow!” said Randall.

Don’t think Walters and Randall and others like them stupid! They Googled the latest American shooting AND the coup in Turkey, they just got sidetracked and clicked the E! News pop up.

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