satire

Local Woman Discovers Childhood Mood Ring, Begins to Doubt Everything

“I don’t know what to believe anymore,” said 25-year-old Lauren Michaels.

Michaels, who is engaged to be married on the 7th of June, recently found an old childhood mood ring while packing to move to the house she purchased jointly with her fiance, Dennis Jones. In a moment of sentimentality, Michaels slipped the ring on to her pinky finger.

“The color went from the standard teal blue to a bright orange. I was immediately hooked,” Michaels said.

After seeing the color change, Michaels unfurled the color code to see what emotion orange signified.

“The little key said that I was angry…and then all of the sudden, I was,” she said.

This was two weeks ago.

“I haven’t taken it off since,” Michaels said. “It’s just so nice to know what I’m feeling all the time.”

The recent law school graduate first began using the mood ring for “little stuff.”

“If I was at the grocery store, for instance, it would help me to choose yogurt flavors,” Michaels said. “But it escalated.”

Within a matter of days, the mood ring put even the most important parts of Michaels’ life under serious scrutiny.

“All of the sudden, my fiance came home and my mood ring would go to a sick lime green color—which means indifference,” she said. “It broke my heart, but I told him, I said, Dennis. We need to talk.”

Jones, also a recent law school graduate, said the situation has been “tough.”

“She sat me down one night and would take turns looking from the ring, to me, then to the ring again,” he said. “If I said something and it started to change color, she’d hush me so she could focus on watching it change. It’s been hell.”

Michaels sees little fault with the situation because of a particular experience she had with the same mood ring back in middle school.

“So I was into this boy, Brian, and all of my friends were like he’s so into you and he was telling me he was into me and I was sort of into him but I couldn’t tell if I just wanted a boyfriend or not and so I bought this ring,” she said, holding her right hand up proudly. “And the ring turned pink, which means I did like him.”

Michaels and her middle school boyfriend dated up until junior year of high school—she cites the power of the ring.

“I used to think I knew how I felt,” she said. “But now, I know that I know how I feel. And that’s real magic.”
The wedding may or may not be off; Michaels is currently running some tests, which mainly involve rubbing the ring on her fiance’s face and holding it close under a light.

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