satire

“I’m with Trump,” Says Satan

Because God isn’t the only one involved in politics, Satan gives his take on the 2016 election.

“When I first heard Trump was running, I definitely wasn’t impressed,” said Satan. “God’ll let someone like him through once in awhile just to keep everyone on their toes. But after a few months of the race with no divine intervention, I started to become excited.”

Despite Satan’s enthusiasm for Mr. Trump, he can’t take any credit for the candidate’s success, though he “really wishes he could.”

“You wouldn’t believe how many calls I got,” he said. “‘Satan, what is your problem? Satan, too far!’”

Satan sighed.

“Some of the stuff Trump is coming up with is just ingenious. I mean, everything’s so simple!” Satan shook his head good-naturedly.

“I’m always using demon-possessing, hood-wink type shit,” he said. “If I knew I could have just walked up to a crowd of full-grown adults and yelled racist stuff about Mexicans? I would have done that ages ago!”

Satan isn’t too hard on himself, though.

“Like any job, you’re always learning. But I’ve got a good work ethic—no one, not even myself, can do something great on their own. You need a team,” Satan said, heavily implying he would like to directly work with Trump in the future.

Satan explained that he is looking to rebrand himself.

“Listen. I’ve been this…this, thing,” he said, gesturing to the flames coming out of his skin and the gummy, black darkness of evil seeping out of his eyes, “for a millennia now. The kids just aren’t into it.”

“What are the kids into? Soft drugs. 5 for 25 thong sales. Pretending they like The Beatles,” Satan said, tallying off with his fingers.

“What I’m saying is, maybe this time ol’Donny will get into the White House. But the time after? In a country where anything goes…” Satan said, wagging his eyebrows.
#SATAN2020

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