satire

God a Bit Miffed We All Forgot His Birthday Again

 

Yesterday at 6:34 pm, God subtweeted the people of Earth. The Creator of Heaven and All Things Below used his personal twitter account, @TheGuyUpstairs, to hint at another thing humans have recently done to disappoint Him.

The tweet read, “When you literally make the world and yet no one wishes you a happy birthday #smh.” The tweet has 200 retweets, and 300 favorites, despite the account having almost 2.2 billion followers.

God, who traditionally has an unspecified day of creation, says the issue is far from petty.

“Listen, I know I did away with the whole animal sacrifice thing but a Hallmark card would be nice,” He said.

Apparently, at one point there actually was a given date for the birth of God in the Bible—now only to be found in the collector’s edition, which is sold at the Barnes and Nobles in Heaven (also available on Nook). However, unlike the condemnation of certain sins, the specific date was lost in the severe editing of the Bible which has continued to today.

“I don’t want to make a big deal or anything, but Jesus has a birthday and stores start selling party supplies like two months before, and it’s a huge deal,” God said. “And don’t get me wrong, I love Jesus, he’s my son, he’s great. But I made Jesus. And you. And you. And you. And that guy.”

God folded His arms and leaned back in His chair.

“Listen, I’m not going to tell you when it was.” God rolled His eyes.

To be fair, time, as a human construct, doesn’t really work the same way in Heaven, so it would be pretty difficult to accurately wish the Lord a happy birthday.

When our PTN reporter tried to (respectfully) explain this, she was met by the silence of God. Later, God took to Twitter to vent some of His frustration.

When someone tries to explain time to You. I made that ish

@TheGuyUpstairs

 

Hallmark, in response to God’s feeling that He’s being jipped, will be coming out with Happy Birthday, God! cards. Close friends should enclose 10% of their monthly income.

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