satire

Abstinence-Only Educators to Start Saying “Peepee” and “The You Know” to Promote Safety of Students

A high school in the United States has made the brave decision to implement even stronger abstinence-only policies in educating its students. Despite the outrage of the general public, who claim this form of teaching is “ineffective and belligerently irresponsible” and “just plain stupid”, the administration of the high school feels secure in their new program.

“Look, we know that the evidence is against us,” Principal Smith. “But that’s what makes it so exciting. I mean, look at Steve Jobs, Jesus—all these people who were huge successes against insurmountable odds.”

The new program would go even further than denying the reality in which students might have sex—a reality that the standard abstinence-only program consistently avoids—by attempting to disassociate students with their sexual organs. By making genitalia seem foreign and strange, the administrators hope that students will eventually give up trying to figure out what to do with them altogether.

“I didn’t even look at that part of myself until I was 24 years old, and I turned out just fine!” insisted Smith.

The school has decided to substitute the words penis and vagina for “peepee” and “the you know.”

“We gave them silly names so students would think they’re just silly,” Smith said. “I mean, those are super silly words.”

The high school is not naive, however. The administration is in fact aware that “devil-given” sexual urges are a part of the transition students undergo from childhood to adulthood. In an effort to curb unwanted “pre-marital tomfoolery,” the school will be presenting the movie Teeth as a documentary to the student body.

“It’s a great way of showing how icky you-knows are,” Smith said.

The administration, though hopeful about the new program, is also working on an after school program for students who are also teen parents.

Sarah Martin, sophomore student and mother of two, is a member of this program.

“It’s really helpful; the teachers are really nice about getting us back into the swing of things!” Martin said, adding she still “kinda wished she knew” what a condom was.

 

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