satire

AFA Members Have Annual Picnic to Talk About how Straight They Are

Boycotting Target isn’t the only fun thing the American Family Association has been up to recently! On Wednesday, some AFA members got together for an annual picnic, during which they engaged in “reasonably joyous” and “not at all flamboyant” celebration of their heterosexuality and intolerance for others.

“It’s fun,” said Chuck Smith, who organizes the picnic each year. “But not too fun.”

The American Family Association, an organization which seeks to uphold rigid moral beliefs, has bravely created a petition which daringly hopes to prevent transgender citizens from using whichever bathroom they feel like using.  Some might say depriving the already-discriminated against community of the right to take a shit wherever they’d like is almost cruel, but Chuck disagrees.

“You can’t give ‘em one moment of rest,” he said in between bites of a no-nonsense ham and cheese sandwich. “Constant vigilance.”

The American Family Association sets itself up against the LGBTQ plus community, which is, according to AFA member Laura Campbell, “simply exhausting.”

“You have no idea what it’s like to constantly be the bad guy,” Laura said. “Especially when the gay community is so goddamn charming. Everyone’s like gay-rights this, trans-rights that.”

Rudy Johnson, active AFA member and father of three, had some complaints to share about the suffering of straight people in light of the new “equality” movement.

“I have three little girls,” Rudy said, “but we have a strict no-rainbow policy at home. I feel like Hitler.”

The picnic, a celebration of the hard work of the AFA, is by no means a relaxed affair. The constituents of the organization feel the need to be on message during the entirety of the event.

“We take this time to really think about how awesome it is that we’re all straight, normal people,” Campbell said, all the while keeping an eye on the other picnic-goers, trying to catch one of them do something remotely gay.

“I’m straight,” said a certain Mike Hughes, who just wandered up to the interview without introducing himself.

“I am straight!” echoed all of the picnic-goers in unison.

Laura took a deep breath, relaxing a bit.

“See?” she said, her voice the only sound in the whole outdoor pavilion, which was very straightly decorated with gray streamers. “This is a party!”

(Miss Campbell requested I add that she too is “very straight” and “incredibly happy” to have found a husband who is as repulsed with the world as she is.)

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