satire

Miami University to Charge Students for Air, Breathing

Breathing is about to become a lot more expensive. The administration of Miami University of Ohio has decided to pull the plug on allowing students to consume air at exorbitant rates—for free.

“We realized there were a large amount of students and faculty who breathe during their time on campus,” said Director of Student Expenses, Flurp Smith. “That is a huge source of profit for the school we have simply not been taking advantage of.”

The proposed system will fine students for their air intake at the beginning of each academic semester. Students will have to submit to a type of physical before they arrive on campus in the fall. The primary goal of these physicals is to procure the measurements of students’ mouths.

“We figure, the bigger the mouth, the more air a student inhales,” Smith said.

He noted that because Miami University is a public school, those who suffer from respiratory illnesses will not face an additional charge for the excess air they consume.

“There was really no way around that,” he said.

The student board at Miami has, perhaps not surprisingly, made claim they have reason to believe this additional charge is both unlawful and extremely unfair. The administration has turned down the student board’s attempt to have an official meeting on the topic. Instead, those in charge have hid in their offices, holding waggling fingers to their heads and taunting, “Nanana booboo, bet you won’t transfer!”

Meanwhile, chaos has exploded: disgruntled parents have begun to buy off-brand cereal items for breakfast; students are taking first and second jobs in order to pay the breathing fee; younger siblings still in high school are being told they can only go to the University of Phoenix; the richer families attending MU are considering selling their second yacht; alumni who have children at Miami are angry, sure, but they can’t pretend they’re surprised.

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