satire

An Interview with God

 

For years, God has thrown His support to political candidates. From the English monarchy to George W. Bush, He has chosen, sometimes arbitrarily, who is deemed worthy enough to lead.

Reporter Amanda Brennan asks God if He would consider backing Republican candidate Donald Trump for the 2016 Presidential election. The following is a transcript from the raw interview.

 

Brennan: Hi God.

God: Hi Amanda. I’d ask you how you’re doing, but I already know.

Brennan: [Laughs.]

God: [Laughs.]

Brennan: So, I have to ask. Have you been following the U.S. presidential election?

God: Certainly. It’s all anyone talks about up here.

Brennan: Really? Why’s that?

God: Well, for the same reason we’re doing this interview, I suppose. Everyone seems to think the election is going to Hell, and, as usual, everyone’s looking to Me to stop it.

Brennan: Just the other day I heard that the GOP was praying for divine intervention.

God: [Looks uneasy.] Yes, I received that.

Brennan: Well? Are you planning on getting involved?

God: It’s not usually something I like to get involved in.  I mean, sure, I’ll let a candidate claim he has My approval without striking him down, but I don’t run people’s campaigns for them.

Brennan: So what does that mean for this election? Because it looks like we might have a President Trump in the future, and everyone’s worried…

God: About the failure of America’s experiment with democracy? It’s funny, really funny, that we’re talking about this now, when Me and some guys let the colonists do that as a sort of joke. We never knew it would take so well, that people would like it so much! People, Amanda, no matter how long you know them, will surprise you.

Brennan: Thanks for the advice, God.

God: It’s not a problem. Back to your question—because I know what you mean. If Trump were to become president, I could see the possibility of a third world war. I could also see the possibility of a last world war. I can also vividly see the possibility of a One Tree Hill reboot. What I’m trying to say here, is that there are a lot of possibilities to consider.

Brennan: So, to be clear, you don’t support Trump? You know, he says he’s a Christian. It makes it sound like he’s in Your favor.

God: I love Donald Trump, but only because I have to. His mom has told me the same thing several times.

Brennan: So you won’t tell him he’s got Your recommendation for the job?

God: I don’t think he cares what I think.

Brennan: Why’s that?

God: Well, he and I were having a heart to heart one night, and I said some things about how we should look after refugees, and he said some things about his penis size*, and one thing led to another, and…

Brennan: What happened?

God: This is weird for me to say, because it’s never happened before, but…I think I got fired.

Brennan: I think that’s all I had to ask. I’ll definitely be keeping in contact, though. Especially if Trump wins…[gathers papers]. I’ll be talking to you a lot then.

God: Are you sure you don’t want to stay for dinner? Mary’s cooking.

 

*God later confirmed what many have suspected: Donald Trump’s dick is a mere 1 ¾ of an inch long; a full quarter of an inch shorter than that of Lucky the Leprechaun’s. **

 

**God used his book, Penis Sizes: A Complete Human History, as a reference. ***

 

***The book also has pictures.

 

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