satire

Help! I Think My Boyfriend Might Just Be a Very Convincing Artificial Intelligence System!

Only an incredibly life-like AI system could talk to me the way Carl was talking to me. Suddenly, so much of our relationship made sense.

….It happens to the best of us?

Local guest writer, Tina Jefferson, returns to Probably True News with a haunting account of what it is like to suspect that the man you thought you knew so well is actually just an advanced AI system.

“We had been dating for a month or so when I started to think something was up. We were at dinner…specifically, the Olive Garden. No matter who I’m with, or what point of my life I’m in, I will always love the Olive Garden…

Anyway. We were sitting there, eating our fantastic Italian food, and I was telling him about how my day went. Now, I’m not one to toot my own horn, but when I have a good story, I tell that story so well you’d think I was Morgan Freeman or something. I mean, I am a very interesting person. I work in a little office on Main Street where I wear multiple hats. I could be answering phones, I could be waiting to answer phones. It really just depends on the day. But I always have a ton of funny stories, and this was an especially funny one, a real emotional roller coaster, if you will, when I noticed that Carl was giving me these one word responses.  

I thought this couldn’t be true. His responses were so noncommittal, so completely uninterested, that I knew something was wrong. I mean with him. I knew he couldn’t be a regular human being and interact with me like that. It was like no matter what I said, he’d reply without looking up at me, saying something that should have made sense, but didn’t quite. I realized it sounded so…automated. And that’s when it hit me.

Only an incredibly life-like AI system could talk to me the way Carl was talking to me. Suddenly, so much of our relationship made sense.

But I had to test this theory. From my limited knowledge of technology, and from watching that one scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, I realized that dumping water on my soon-to-be ex-boyfriend was the only intelligent solution to discovering his true identity.

When the waitress came by the table to ask if I wanted more water, I nodded, and solemnly looked at Carl, the man I had once loved so much. He had no idea what was coming to him.

The second she turned her back, I flipped the ice-cold contents of the glass on the man in front of me in one swift gesture. He was drenched, and, as I had hypothesized, very unhappy.

He was fuming and silent, staring at me in the way that only an animated robot could stare at you. He was wordless, confirming that he had not been programmed to react to this particular situation.

I watched him gather napkins to dry himself, and when he was done I asked him to leave. I would have left except we were at the Olive Garden, and I always like to stay there as long as possible.

Well! That’s my story of how I found out my boyfriend was actually just an artificial intelligence system. Do you have any similar experiences? If so, I’d love to hear them.

And as always, peace, love, and the Olive Garden!”

 

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