satire

The NRA Would Like to Take This Moment to Comment on Human Nature

“Listen. No, listen. Guns can kill, sure, but can’t lasagna also be a deadly weapon?” asked Ryan Thompson, member of the National Rifle Association and avid stamp collector. “It’s not the instrument, it’s what you do with it.”

Thompson admitted that even though normal lasagna can at most result in a stomach ache and that one gun can end several human lives, the comparison still holds up because it’s the “idea behind the thing.”

“Instead of asking ourselves, how can we reach a reasonable compromise on gun control, shouldn’t we be asking ourselves the most basic and relevant question pertaining to this situation? And that question obviously is, are humans good? Or are they just evil creatures who do things like this all the time, and there is no way to possibly curb the damage that is done?” Thompson added.

Thompson answered his own question promptly.

“Listen, there’s no way we can fix this without losing our freedom to easily buy and sell guns. And if that means some people lose the freedom to live?” He shook his head, his lips pursed.

He “didn’t want to put too fine a point on it” but any person, in his opinion, can and should buy a gun and become highly skilled in self-defense in order to protect themselves from the “unchangeable drawbacks of the situation.”

Wanda Carson, another staunch defender of gun rights, agrees.

“Sure, guns are dangerous in the hands of evil people. But in the hands of evil people, anything can be dangerous—even love,” Carson said.

“Did you know that elephants can die from heartbreak?” Carson said, nodding her head knowingly.

The NRA itself has released a statement pertaining to their most current stance on guns and freedom.

White Americans—what do we call White Americans? What’s PC for that? Oh, Americans?—Americans aren’t the threat. Gun-owning, law-abiding, good Americans aren’t the problem here. It’s the people who aren’t law-abiding, and who aren’t good.

Just because we do not care to develop a system in which we could limit the non-law-abiding people from getting guns doesn’t mean the citizens with legitimate and safe intentions should be punished for our own incompetency.

Also, something about the Second Amendment being more important than the first part of “Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness.”

Contact us for another statement in a few weeks or so or whenever this happens again.

Sincerely,

The NRA

The organization is far from loosening up its position on gun control. In fact, they seem to be going the other direction: last week the NRA created a help-group for “traumatized” guns who had been forced to take part in atrocious acts “they had no idea” were in their power to commit.

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