satire

Local Mom Wishes Children Would Celebrate Holiday By Not Being Complete Assholes

“Just one day a year I’d like to get through dinner without my kids making fun of me for not knowing what a Hoodie Allen is,” said local mother Willow Thompson.

For moms everywhere, today is a day of Bath and Body Works gift sets and Hallmark cards. For Thompson, mother of three and middle school teacher, her deepest desire is for her children to not act like the devilish fiends that guard the gates of Hell.

“I love them. They are my greatest joy,” she said. “But geez, they sure are a pain in my ass.”

Thompson said that last year’s Mother’s Day was “brutal.”

“They started fighting over who loved me more, which was sweet,” Thompson said. “But then it escalated. My husband and I could only watch in awe.”

The fight became very personal, much to the horror of Thompson, who “only wanted to enjoy the company of her three beautiful kids and loving husband.”

“It got really, really bad,” she said. “My youngest daughter ended it by announcing that my oldest daughter lost her virginity at a drive-in movie theater when she was 17.”

Thompson called this revelation “surprising.”

“But hey, that’s motherhood for you!” she said.

This year, Thompson’s children, through the mediation of their father, Steve, have agreed to not compromise their mother’s special day by saying anything related to who has lost their virginity and where. When Thompson heard about this, she became very excited.

“They’re kids. They’re crazy, crazy kids. Honestly, I can’t emphasize this enough. My kids are assholes,” she said, probably a bit too loud. But then she softened.

“They’re my assholes, though. Just…for today, I’d like it if they toned it down,” Thompson said.

Thompson said she will “try hard to be relaxed” for today.

“It’s just difficult,” the mom said, mindlessly sipping the coffee her middle child had tried to make her, the grounds swirling at the top. “Because it’s not really in the job description.”

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s