satire

North Carolina 0 for 2 On This Whole Equality Thing

Civil rights and North Carolina have always had an interesting relationship.

North Carolina, in passing HB2, clings to its traditions of institutionalized discrimination and generally being on the wrong side of history. The legislation aims to prohibit transgender citizens from using any bathroom not for their born gender, and very clearly violates Federal law.

But the battle over bathroom rights has just begun, and North Carolina is doing its best to make it the pissing match of a lifetime.

“We’re not afraid to get our hands dirty and not wash them after,” said NC state government representative Bob Shmoe.

Shmoe, while admittedly “not real familiar with the gay community” or “human rights”, is against allowing transgender citizens to use whatever bathroom they feel most comfortable in because “it ain’t right.”

“You know what’s right? Fried chicken,” he said, without elaborating.

“As an American, I have the freedom to decide that people aren’t allowed to make me uncomfortable,” Shmoe said, vigorously rubbing his belly and aggressively trying to make eye contact with passersby.

North Carolina native Christina Evans has another perspective on the controversy. Evans worries that Americans aren’t really understanding the issue properly.

“This isn’t about equality, or freedom! This is about aliens,” she said. Evans, the acting leader of a secret society which believes that the LGBTQ+ community is actually the attempt of extraterrestrials to colonize Earth by corrupting “our moral values”, said she believes that aliens will take over any day now.

She also said she believes that people’s resistance to accept how dangerous the transgender community is a clear sign that the aliens are growing stronger.

“Just the other day, I caught myself thinking a gay thought. And then I said, no.” Evans took a deep, empowering breath. “Take that, aliens.”

Shmoe expressed his concern that non-North Carolinians think the state, like an angsty teenager choosing to be in Slytherin, takes pleasure in setting itself up as the antagonist in human right issues.

“I get real antsy when people say my state has started being wrong about these so-called equality things on purpose,” Shmoe said, becoming visibly antsy. “Listen, we coulda been wrong about the whole Jim Crow situation, but I have a good feeling about this!”

 

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satire

Local Mom Wishes Children Would Celebrate Holiday By Not Being Complete Assholes

“Just one day a year I’d like to get through dinner without my kids making fun of me for not knowing what a Hoodie Allen is,” said local mother Willow Thompson.

For moms everywhere, today is a day of Bath and Body Works gift sets and Hallmark cards. For Thompson, mother of three and middle school teacher, her deepest desire is for her children to not act like the devilish fiends that guard the gates of Hell.

“I love them. They are my greatest joy,” she said. “But geez, they sure are a pain in my ass.”

Thompson said that last year’s Mother’s Day was “brutal.”

“They started fighting over who loved me more, which was sweet,” Thompson said. “But then it escalated. My husband and I could only watch in awe.”

The fight became very personal, much to the horror of Thompson, who “only wanted to enjoy the company of her three beautiful kids and loving husband.”

“It got really, really bad,” she said. “My youngest daughter ended it by announcing that my oldest daughter lost her virginity at a drive-in movie theater when she was 17.”

Thompson called this revelation “surprising.”

“But hey, that’s motherhood for you!” she said.

This year, Thompson’s children, through the mediation of their father, Steve, have agreed to not compromise their mother’s special day by saying anything related to who has lost their virginity and where. When Thompson heard about this, she became very excited.

“They’re kids. They’re crazy, crazy kids. Honestly, I can’t emphasize this enough. My kids are assholes,” she said, probably a bit too loud. But then she softened.

“They’re my assholes, though. Just…for today, I’d like it if they toned it down,” Thompson said.

Thompson said she will “try hard to be relaxed” for today.

“It’s just difficult,” the mom said, mindlessly sipping the coffee her middle child had tried to make her, the grounds swirling at the top. “Because it’s not really in the job description.”