Fake News

satire

Boyfriend Tells Girlfriend He Was Just Kidding

After saying something serious that didn’t go over well, a boyfriend told his girlfriend that he was just kidding. He wasn’t going to say he was just kidding except she fell silent for several minutes after he said the serious thing he said and he was getting more and more nervous. Before he said he was just kidding, he asked her, “What, are you mad?” To which she replied in colorful language that yes, she was indeed very, very mad. She started to say something too–replying to the thing he had said seriously–but the boyfriend realized instinctively that the best time to backtrack would be at this point in the conversation before the conversation spiraled beyond his control. The boyfriend thought that the best way to retract his serious offense, and say he was just kidding, was by saying that the was just kidding loudly, and over and over again over his girlfriend trying to talk to him about the serious thing. After another long period of silence, he offered to buy her ice cream and things were looking better.

At press time, he had made another joke about the serious thing and she told him it was too soon. The girlfriend is currently telling her sister she’s thinking about ending things. Carl has absolutely no idea. 

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satire

Breaking: Local Girl With Doggy Filter Just Felt Like She Looked Cute In This Pic

In breaking local news, an area teen posted a picture of herself to multiple social media outlets in which she had a puppy dog face overlaid over her own, regular human face. According to trusted sources (her parents), the girl had gotten ready for the day and had felt sort of cute, but thought she would look cuter if she took a picture on Snapchat and used the puppy dog filter.

“I don’t know what about looking like a furry animal boosts my self-esteem, but it really does,” the girl confided to PTN sources.

Apparently the decision to post the photo of her face merged with a face of a dog’s was a difficult one.

“I want to be a little extra, but not too extra,” the girl said. “Not being anymore extra than I need to be is always something I have in the back of my mind when I’m making decisions that affect my brand like this.”

All in all, it took her nearly 30 minutes from when she took the picture to when she actually posted it on her various social media accounts.

At press time, she said her caption for her Insta post was “Just felt I looked cute in this pic!”

She added that if the post doesn’t reach 100 likes within an hour, she would strongly consider deleting it.

satire

Why Didn’t You Notice I Decided To Grow My Hair Out?

Hey, why didn’t you notice I decided to grow my hair out? Don’t you know how much thought goes into not making my usual appointment? How have you not noticed that my hair is about the same length it was when I got it cut last time? Listen, you know that these things take time. Just because the next time you see me my hair is going to look basically the same, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t give me all of the compliments you’d feel obligated to dish out if I had cut my hair to my chin like I usually do when I need attention. Why should I be punished for my patience? I just feel as if you should sort of see the millimeter by millimeter change that’s going on, and tell me you understand that me and all of my strands of hair are going on a journey together. A journey to grow. A journey to deep-condition the hell out of those split ends until I actually do need to make the chop. But until I do get the haircut that I have recently decided to postpone indefinitely, won’t you just say that you noticed I decided to grow my hair out?

satire

Breaking: Guy You Dated Last Year Still Asshole

Advice column

In a shocking turn of events that no one at all saw coming, your ex-boyfriend is still a huge asshole. This is a gigantic surprise for absolutely everyone, as he was so incredibly sweet to you when you were dating, in between all of the moments in which he was, you guessed it, a complete asshole. The whole entire world is dumbstruck that after you texted him to thoughtfully check in, your ex waited several hours to reply, and when he did he replied with “sup” like a huge, smelly asshole. Seriously, everyone is literally flabbergasted that the person who forgot your birthday and then later asked you to rub his feet won’t give you the time of day when you’re trying to just be a goddamn friendly person. It’s a shock that no matter how nice you are or how much time has passed, this person who one time ate your Chipotle leftovers without asking is still a terrible, good-for-nothing, life-sized asshole.

But maybe text him tomorrow and see if he wants to get together soon? We all think it’s a really good idea.

satire

Middle School Student Listening to iPod Stares Out Window, Reflects Upon the Day’s Tragedies

Local middle school student Kim Adams put her headphones in immediately after getting into her mom’s mini-van after 7th period, and has only reluctantly taken them out since. According to her mother, Kim spent the duration of the ride staring out the window on the passenger side, a “timeless seriousness” engraved on the 12-year-old’s face. “I don’t know what happened,” said Gretchen Adams, the mother of the increasingly moody young student. “One day, she was a happy, talkative kid, and now she listens to Nickelback and Ron Pope and looks out that window as if she’s contemplating the strategies for peace in the Middle East.” Kim herself was unavailable for comment, as she dutifully remained in her seat even after the car was parked and the automatic garage lights off. Maybe she was thinking back on the trials of the day, or maybe she was immersed in the music video she was pretending to be in. At any rate, her mother assured us that she came inside for dinner and was acting a little more normal by dessert. “What really worries me,” Gretchen said, “is that she’s listening to Nickelback.”

satire

Help! I Think My Boyfriend Might Just Be a Very Convincing Artificial Intelligence System!

Only an incredibly life-like AI system could talk to me the way Carl was talking to me. Suddenly, so much of our relationship made sense.

….It happens to the best of us?

Local guest writer, Tina Jefferson, returns to Probably True News with a haunting account of what it is like to suspect that the man you thought you knew so well is actually just an advanced AI system.

“We had been dating for a month or so when I started to think something was up. We were at dinner…specifically, the Olive Garden. No matter who I’m with, or what point of my life I’m in, I will always love the Olive Garden…

Anyway. We were sitting there, eating our fantastic Italian food, and I was telling him about how my day went. Now, I’m not one to toot my own horn, but when I have a good story, I tell that story so well you’d think I was Morgan Freeman or something. I mean, I am a very interesting person. I work in a little office on Main Street where I wear multiple hats. I could be answering phones, I could be waiting to answer phones. It really just depends on the day. But I always have a ton of funny stories, and this was an especially funny one, a real emotional roller coaster, if you will, when I noticed that Carl was giving me these one word responses.  

I thought this couldn’t be true. His responses were so noncommittal, so completely uninterested, that I knew something was wrong. I mean with him. I knew he couldn’t be a regular human being and interact with me like that. It was like no matter what I said, he’d reply without looking up at me, saying something that should have made sense, but didn’t quite. I realized it sounded so…automated. And that’s when it hit me.

Only an incredibly life-like AI system could talk to me the way Carl was talking to me. Suddenly, so much of our relationship made sense.

But I had to test this theory. From my limited knowledge of technology, and from watching that one scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, I realized that dumping water on my soon-to-be ex-boyfriend was the only intelligent solution to discovering his true identity.

When the waitress came by the table to ask if I wanted more water, I nodded, and solemnly looked at Carl, the man I had once loved so much. He had no idea what was coming to him.

The second she turned her back, I flipped the ice-cold contents of the glass on the man in front of me in one swift gesture. He was drenched, and, as I had hypothesized, very unhappy.

He was fuming and silent, staring at me in the way that only an animated robot could stare at you. He was wordless, confirming that he had not been programmed to react to this particular situation.

I watched him gather napkins to dry himself, and when he was done I asked him to leave. I would have left except we were at the Olive Garden, and I always like to stay there as long as possible.

Well! That’s my story of how I found out my boyfriend was actually just an artificial intelligence system. Do you have any similar experiences? If so, I’d love to hear them.

And as always, peace, love, and the Olive Garden!”

 

satire

God Would Like You To Know Earth Not Some Hotel Room You Should Trash

 

PTN reporter Amanda Brennan asks God some questions on Earth Day.  

Brennan: Hi again, God.

God: Hi Amanda. Long time, no talk.

Brennan: [Looks uncomfortable.] I’ve been really busy.

God: You’ve been binge watching Community on your best friend’s Hulu account.

Brennan: Crap. Completely forgot who I was talking to.

God: As always, I forgive you. So I have it here that we’re talking about my environmental policy?

Brennan: Yup! It’s Earth Day, so I thought I’d call you up because I know that a lot of Your believers don’t really believe in “global warming” or “science.”

God: [Sighing.] Tell me about it. You’d think that people who know how to read a two-thousand year old religious book might be able to flip through a copy of National Geographic every once in awhile.

Brennan: I think it’s really interesting how people use religion as a way of not caring about the planet.

God: It’s because I told everyone they’d get to come to heaven when they die. They all think they can trash the planet now.

Brennan: That’s terrible.

God: [Running hands through hair.] It really is. I put all that effort into creating the universe you know—like, a full six days—and the people I made it for just treat it like shit.

Brennan: You must have been exhausted.

God: I totally was.

Brennan: Is there anything you’d like my readers to get away from this interview?

God: Yeah, I guess I’d like people to realize that the Earth isn’t some tacky-ass hotel room you wreck pregaming with your friends because you’re going to a really cool party after. Like, you are supposed to treat that hotel room like it is a party, you know? And then maybe I’ll let you come hang out with me.

Brennan: Wow, God. It’s sort of scary when you get all deep like that.

God: I hate to go all Old-Testament on you,  but the Earth is something I care about deeply.

Brennan: [Putting papers away.] I want you to know I recycled my water bottle on the way here.

God: Go to church, Amanda.  

 

Happy Earth Day!

satire

Schrödinger’s Boyfriend

Because sometimes you need a little quantum physics to figure out if you have a boyfriend or not.

Casey Williams, a junior at the local university, has been worried about her relationship with her boyfriend Ken for awhile now. “We’ve sort of been a thing for a few months, and I’m not sure what we are,” Williams said. She said she has been putting off defining the relationship out of fear that she won’t get the answer she wants.  “Right now, I’m living simultaneously with the possibility of  us seriously committing to each other and just going our own way,” she said. “It isn’t great, but I’m afraid I won’t like what I see when I check for this relationship’s pulse, you know?” Williams isn’t the only girl in the world with a potentially dead cat on her hands. It is reported that even today there are thousands and thousands of people who are too afraid to check whether or not they actually have a relationship. (Williams checked her phone to see if Ken had texted her back. He hadn’t. When she looked up, she seemed a little frazzled.) “I know I should check, I know I should check,” she said. “But right now this quantum superposition is all that’s getting me through!”

satire

Chocolate Chip Cookie Actually Oatmeal: “I Feel Lied To,” Says Neighborhood Man

A Day In The Life
Disgust, fear, outrage. Humiliation, depravity, regret. None of these things even come close to what local man Chuck Evans feels after biting into what he assumed was a chocolate chip cookie, but was actually an oatmeal cookie. “It just sucks,” he says, shifting in his chair and looking uneasily around the room. He won’t say it, but you can see it in his eyes that he’ll never trust again. This is not the face of some snowflake. Evans is truly, pardon the expression, one seriously tough cookie. He has gotten into two parking lot fist fights, and hasn’t cried since 2011. In short, he is the perfect man. But all heroes must, at some point, fight their toughest fight. For Evans, that fight is him sitting there with a half-eaten cookie on his lap, trying not to throw up. “I had so much to do today, but now I think I’m just going to sit here and really question my existence,” he says. He sits the cookie down next to him on the table. There’s about a 50/50 chance he comes back to it later, either because he forgets what it is or because he knows it’s the only thing good laying around.

satire

Middleman, Sick Of Being Left Out, Goes His Own Way

After a lifetime of being considered non-essential, middleman Lance Smith made the decision to spend more time focusing on himself, as well as being surrounded by people who truly see his value. “I’m just so tired of being cut out all the time,” sniffed Smith. “At first, it was something that happened at work, and then it followed me home to my family life.” The middleman said that even his wife and kids thought it was most efficient to work around him on a day-to-day basis, claiming that they would often talk over or around his head in conversations that normally would have involved him. “It’s gotten really bad, it’s almost like a complex,” he said. “After years of being left behind and discarded, I’ve started to question what my purpose is, what I bring to the table. Who is Lance Smith?” Smith said that besides picking up a hobby, he might be investing time in a local support group for other perpetual middlemen who, after years of facing disrespect in both their professional and social lives, are in need of social affirmation.