satire

An Actual List of Things I Have Done So I Could Put Off Writing My Essay That’s Due Tomorrow

  1. My mom has been asking me to call an office on campus to make sure my FAFSA went through okay. She’s been asking me for a week to do this, but I did it this afternoon only because I was halfway through a final paper and talking to someone over the phone about Federal Aid sounded more interesting
  2. I bought a scone because I knew it would take me awhile to eat
  3. I retweeted something about how Jared Kushner giving a speech in Israel seems like something that would happen in an authoritarian regime
  4. Briefly worried about the United States becoming an authoritarian regime
  5. Texted my boyfriend to ask if he had my sunglasses
  6. Found my sunglasses
  7. Sat down to write the goddamn essay
  8. Stood back up to go pee
  9. Sat back down again and wrote a! page! because I am an amazing student
  10. Clicked out of that essay, opened a new window, and decided to write this

Sorry Mom. Our FAFSA is fine though

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