satire

Upsetting New Study Finds that Majority of Snitches Can’t Even AFFORD to Get Stitches!

Just when you thought health care in America couldn’t get more wack, a new study was released that said almost, if not all, of snitches cannot even afford to get their proverbial stitches. 

Because snitches have been unable to pay for the medical fees involving stitches, those who would have been responsible for the snitches getting stitches have held back on their administration of justice.

Ray Brandbury, a man who has been proudly putting snitches in their place since ’87, sadly told us that he no longer “feels right about it.”

“Nothing, and I mean nothing, feels better than showing a snitch what their place is in the world. It’s never a good place, neither. Cause where a snitch belongs is behind a Rumpke, or doing something inane like eating at a TGIF’s on a Tuesday,” Brandbury passionately said.

He continued.

“But I’m a good guy, besides my whole snitch-complex. I want to give these kids justice. I don’t want to have them bleeding all over the sidewalk and making a mess for somebody else!” Brandbury gave a jovial laugh.

With the costs of stitches for snitches being what they are, Brandbury has taken to leaving strongly worded notes on cars, putting sugar in the salt shaker at restaurant, things like that.

“Just because snitches can’t get stitches, that doesn’t mean justice should stop!”

We reached out to several snitches for this interview, but they were all taking notes off their cars, sending their sugared-foods back, etc.

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satire

Area Woman Tired of Your Bullshit

Just when you thought you couldn’t annoy anybody else, you annoyed an area woman while you were grocery shopping this Sunday afternoon. You were standing in front of the bread aisle for like, ten minutes, overwhelmed by the amount of different sorts of bread there is in the world. You thought to yourself, why is there so much bread? Why am I so bad at making decisions? Is my inability to choose a bread in a normal amount of time a reflection on my absolutely lack of maturity? Why can’t I make small decisions on a day-to-day basis? Isn’t it insane that the United States is considered the breadbasket of the world? I wonder what sort of bread we made for the troops in the world wars. They probably had wheat because that’s so healthy. I should be healthy, maybe I’ll get wheat today. If I choose this wheat bread, the one with the little pieces of grain stuck on the sides of the crust, will I see that in my poop the next day? Is that going to gross me out? 

You were so involved with your own thoughts, you weirdo, that you didn’t realize there had been a woman standing behind you trying to get to the bread the whole entire time you had been deciding what bread to buy. You only noticed when she coughed for what must have realistically been the umpteenth time in the last several minutes. You said, oh, sorry, and she gave you a curt nod, but you saw it on her face that she hated you then more than she’s ever hated anything in her life and probably would hate anything, ever.

With a sigh, you grabbed the whole grain bread you had been staring at for ages, and made your way to the cheese aisle. You resigned yourself to the reality that you would do the same thing with American versus cheddar, and said a little prayer to all the area people at the grocery store who would have to continue to put up with such inane bullshit for at least another half an hour, forty-five minutes tops.

satire

Wow! I Took a Two-Hour Long Nap and Trump’s STILL President?

When I went to take a nap this afternoon, I fully expected two things to happen by the time I woke up. My first expectation was that I would wake up feeling refreshed, revived, relaxed, basically like a million bucks. My second expectation? I fully believed that by the time I woke up from sleeping that somehow in those two hours when I was unconscious that the universe would have corrected itself, and Donald Trump would no longer be my president.

Listen, I know what you’re thinking. Wait, he’s still President? I thought we impeached that bozo last month! 

And it’s true! Mr. Trump is like one solid urine-related scandal away from impeachment. Which is why I thought taking a two hour long nap would be enough time for him to stop being President. 

When I woke up, I checked my phone. I looked at the news, certain that in the duration of my afternoon nap that something would have happened, the final straw, if you will, and Trump would once again just be another angry orange man that does not have control over my reproductive rights or if my international friends are allowed to return back to the country when they visit their families over winter break.

I was shocked to find that the news was the same as always. CNN had an article about how we might be entering a third world war. MSNBC had a little ditty about how there is substantial political theory to support the idea that in 30 years’ time our world could look a lot like The Handmaid’s Tale, and so on.

I’m planning on taking a three hour nap next time to see if that changes anything. Maybe that’ll do it?