satire

Why Didn’t You Notice I Decided To Grow My Hair Out?

Hey, why didn’t you notice I decided to grow my hair out? Don’t you know how much thought goes into not making my usual appointment? How have you not noticed that my hair is about the same length it was when I got it cut last time? Listen, you know that these things take time. Just because the next time you see me my hair is going to look basically the same, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t give me all of the compliments you’d feel obligated to dish out if I had cut my hair to my chin like I usually do when I need attention. Why should I be punished for my patience? I just feel as if you should sort of see the millimeter by millimeter change that’s going on, and tell me you understand that me and all of my strands of hair are going on a journey together. A journey to grow. A journey to deep-condition the hell out of those split ends until I actually do need to make the chop. But until I do get the haircut that I have recently decided to postpone indefinitely, won’t you just say that you noticed I decided to grow my hair out?

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satire

Breaking: Guy You Dated Last Year Still Asshole

Advice column

In a shocking turn of events that no one at all saw coming, your ex-boyfriend is still a huge asshole. This is a gigantic surprise for absolutely everyone, as he was so incredibly sweet to you when you were dating, in between all of the moments in which he was, you guessed it, a complete asshole. The whole entire world is dumbstruck that after you texted him to thoughtfully check in, your ex waited several hours to reply, and when he did he replied with “sup” like a huge, smelly asshole. Seriously, everyone is literally flabbergasted that the person who forgot your birthday and then later asked you to rub his feet won’t give you the time of day when you’re trying to just be a goddamn friendly person. It’s a shock that no matter how nice you are or how much time has passed, this person who one time ate your Chipotle leftovers without asking is still a terrible, good-for-nothing, life-sized asshole.

But maybe text him tomorrow and see if he wants to get together soon? We all think it’s a really good idea.

satire

Middle School Student Listening to iPod Stares Out Window, Reflects Upon the Day’s Tragedies

Local middle school student Kim Adams put her headphones in immediately after getting into her mom’s mini-van after 7th period, and has only reluctantly taken them out since. According to her mother, Kim spent the duration of the ride staring out the window on the passenger side, a “timeless seriousness” engraved on the 12-year-old’s face. “I don’t know what happened,” said Gretchen Adams, the mother of the increasingly moody young student. “One day, she was a happy, talkative kid, and now she listens to Nickelback and Ron Pope and looks out that window as if she’s contemplating the strategies for peace in the Middle East.” Kim herself was unavailable for comment, as she dutifully remained in her seat even after the car was parked and the automatic garage lights off. Maybe she was thinking back on the trials of the day, or maybe she was immersed in the music video she was pretending to be in. At any rate, her mother assured us that she came inside for dinner and was acting a little more normal by dessert. “What really worries me,” Gretchen said, “is that she’s listening to Nickelback.”

satire

Help! I Think My Boyfriend Might Just Be a Very Convincing Artificial Intelligence System!

Only an incredibly life-like AI system could talk to me the way Carl was talking to me. Suddenly, so much of our relationship made sense.

….It happens to the best of us?

Local guest writer, Tina Jefferson, returns to Probably True News with a haunting account of what it is like to suspect that the man you thought you knew so well is actually just an advanced AI system.

“We had been dating for a month or so when I started to think something was up. We were at dinner…specifically, the Olive Garden. No matter who I’m with, or what point of my life I’m in, I will always love the Olive Garden…

Anyway. We were sitting there, eating our fantastic Italian food, and I was telling him about how my day went. Now, I’m not one to toot my own horn, but when I have a good story, I tell that story so well you’d think I was Morgan Freeman or something. I mean, I am a very interesting person. I work in a little office on Main Street where I wear multiple hats. I could be answering phones, I could be waiting to answer phones. It really just depends on the day. But I always have a ton of funny stories, and this was an especially funny one, a real emotional roller coaster, if you will, when I noticed that Carl was giving me these one word responses.  

I thought this couldn’t be true. His responses were so noncommittal, so completely uninterested, that I knew something was wrong. I mean with him. I knew he couldn’t be a regular human being and interact with me like that. It was like no matter what I said, he’d reply without looking up at me, saying something that should have made sense, but didn’t quite. I realized it sounded so…automated. And that’s when it hit me.

Only an incredibly life-like AI system could talk to me the way Carl was talking to me. Suddenly, so much of our relationship made sense.

But I had to test this theory. From my limited knowledge of technology, and from watching that one scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, I realized that dumping water on my soon-to-be ex-boyfriend was the only intelligent solution to discovering his true identity.

When the waitress came by the table to ask if I wanted more water, I nodded, and solemnly looked at Carl, the man I had once loved so much. He had no idea what was coming to him.

The second she turned her back, I flipped the ice-cold contents of the glass on the man in front of me in one swift gesture. He was drenched, and, as I had hypothesized, very unhappy.

He was fuming and silent, staring at me in the way that only an animated robot could stare at you. He was wordless, confirming that he had not been programmed to react to this particular situation.

I watched him gather napkins to dry himself, and when he was done I asked him to leave. I would have left except we were at the Olive Garden, and I always like to stay there as long as possible.

Well! That’s my story of how I found out my boyfriend was actually just an artificial intelligence system. Do you have any similar experiences? If so, I’d love to hear them.

And as always, peace, love, and the Olive Garden!”