PTN reporter Amanda Brennan asks God some questions on Earth Day.
Brennan: Hi again, God.
God: Hi Amanda. Long time, no talk.
Brennan: [Looks uncomfortable.] I’ve been really busy.
God: You’ve been binge watching Community on your best friend’s Hulu account.
Brennan: Crap. Completely forgot who I was talking to.
God: As always, I forgive you. So I have it here that we’re talking about my environmental policy?
Brennan: Yup! It’s Earth Day, so I thought I’d call you up because I know that a lot of Your believers don’t really believe in “global warming” or “science.”
God: [Sighing.] Tell me about it. You’d think that people who know how to read a two-thousand year old religious book might be able to flip through a copy of National Geographic every once in awhile.
Brennan: I think it’s really interesting how people use religion as a way of not caring about the planet.
God: It’s because I told everyone they’d get to come to heaven when they die. They all think they can trash the planet now.
Brennan: That’s terrible.
God: [Running hands through hair.] It really is. I put all that effort into creating the universe you know—like, a full six days—and the people I made it for just treat it like shit.
Brennan: You must have been exhausted.
God: I totally was.
Brennan: Is there anything you’d like my readers to get away from this interview?
God: Yeah, I guess I’d like people to realize that the Earth isn’t some tacky-ass hotel room you wreck pregaming with your friends because you’re going to a really cool party after. Like, you are supposed to treat that hotel room like it is a party, you know? And then maybe I’ll let you come hang out with me.
Brennan: Wow, God. It’s sort of scary when you get all deep like that.
God: I hate to go all Old-Testament on you, but the Earth is something I care about deeply.
Brennan: [Putting papers away.] I want you to know I recycled my water bottle on the way here.
God: Go to church, Amanda.
Happy Earth Day!