God Would Like You To Know Earth Not Some Hotel Room You Should Trash


PTN reporter Amanda Brennan asks God some questions on Earth Day.  

Brennan: Hi again, God.

God: Hi Amanda. Long time, no talk.

Brennan: [Looks uncomfortable.] I’ve been really busy.

God: You’ve been binge watching Community on your best friend’s Hulu account.

Brennan: Crap. Completely forgot who I was talking to.

God: As always, I forgive you. So I have it here that we’re talking about my environmental policy?

Brennan: Yup! It’s Earth Day, so I thought I’d call you up because I know that a lot of Your believers don’t really believe in “global warming” or “science.”

God: [Sighing.] Tell me about it. You’d think that people who know how to read a two-thousand year old religious book might be able to flip through a copy of National Geographic every once in awhile.

Brennan: I think it’s really interesting how people use religion as a way of not caring about the planet.

God: It’s because I told everyone they’d get to come to heaven when they die. They all think they can trash the planet now.

Brennan: That’s terrible.

God: [Running hands through hair.] It really is. I put all that effort into creating the universe you know—like, a full six days—and the people I made it for just treat it like shit.

Brennan: You must have been exhausted.

God: I totally was.

Brennan: Is there anything you’d like my readers to get away from this interview?

God: Yeah, I guess I’d like people to realize that the Earth isn’t some tacky-ass hotel room you wreck pregaming with your friends because you’re going to a really cool party after. Like, you are supposed to treat that hotel room like it is a party, you know? And then maybe I’ll let you come hang out with me.

Brennan: Wow, God. It’s sort of scary when you get all deep like that.

God: I hate to go all Old-Testament on you,  but the Earth is something I care about deeply.

Brennan: [Putting papers away.] I want you to know I recycled my water bottle on the way here.

God: Go to church, Amanda.  


Happy Earth Day!


Schrödinger’s Boyfriend

Because sometimes you need a little quantum physics to figure out if you have a boyfriend or not.

Casey Williams, a junior at the local university, has been worried about her relationship with her boyfriend Ken for awhile now. “We’ve sort of been a thing for a few months, and I’m not sure what we are,” Williams said. She said she has been putting off defining the relationship out of fear that she won’t get the answer she wants.  “Right now, I’m living simultaneously with the possibility of  us seriously committing to each other and just going our own way,” she said. “It isn’t great, but I’m afraid I won’t like what I see when I check for this relationship’s pulse, you know?” Williams isn’t the only girl in the world with a potentially dead cat on her hands. It is reported that even today there are thousands and thousands of people who are too afraid to check whether or not they actually have a relationship. (Williams checked her phone to see if Ken had texted her back. He hadn’t. When she looked up, she seemed a little frazzled.) “I know I should check, I know I should check,” she said. “But right now this quantum superposition is all that’s getting me through!”