satire

Chocolate Chip Cookie Actually Oatmeal: “I Feel Lied To,” Says Neighborhood Man

A Day In The Life
Disgust, fear, outrage. Humiliation, depravity, regret. None of these things even come close to what local man Chuck Evans feels after biting into what he assumed was a chocolate chip cookie, but was actually an oatmeal cookie. “It just sucks,” he says, shifting in his chair and looking uneasily around the room. He won’t say it, but you can see it in his eyes that he’ll never trust again. This is not the face of some snowflake. Evans is truly, pardon the expression, one seriously tough cookie. He has gotten into two parking lot fist fights, and hasn’t cried since 2011. In short, he is the perfect man. But all heroes must, at some point, fight their toughest fight. For Evans, that fight is him sitting there with a half-eaten cookie on his lap, trying not to throw up. “I had so much to do today, but now I think I’m just going to sit here and really question my existence,” he says. He sits the cookie down next to him on the table. There’s about a 50/50 chance he comes back to it later, either because he forgets what it is or because he knows it’s the only thing good laying around.

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