satire

Middleman, Sick Of Being Left Out, Goes His Own Way

After a lifetime of being considered non-essential, middleman Lance Smith made the decision to spend more time focusing on himself, as well as being surrounded by people who truly see his value. “I’m just so tired of being cut out all the time,” sniffed Smith. “At first, it was something that happened at work, and then it followed me home to my family life.” The middleman said that even his wife and kids thought it was most efficient to work around him on a day-to-day basis, claiming that they would often talk over or around his head in conversations that normally would have involved him. “It’s gotten really bad, it’s almost like a complex,” he said. “After years of being left behind and discarded, I’ve started to question what my purpose is, what I bring to the table. Who is Lance Smith?” Smith said that besides picking up a hobby, he might be investing time in a local support group for other perpetual middlemen who, after years of facing disrespect in both their professional and social lives, are in need of social affirmation.

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satire

College Student Who Burned Grilled Cheese Is Finding New And Exciting Ways To Fail

Local college sophomore Shelby Reynolds, who recently burned a grilled cheese sandwich she was making, claims that her failure simply adds to her current mission of finding new and exciting ways to fail. “My mom is always getting on me about doing more, you know?” Reynolds said, holding another burned grilled cheese in her hand. “She’s concerned I’m not living, that I’m not making enough mistakes.” Reynolds crunches into her sandwich, sending black char flying through the room. “So I intentionally make a mistake every day now,” she said. Some of these mistakes, according to the volleyball player and ironic Yu-Gi-Oh! enthusiast, were “adrenaline-filled, sexy, and life-threatening.” But after awhile, Reynolds said, the big, scary mistakes she was supposed to be making as a college student, such as tip-toeing the line between “good fun” and “alcoholism,” getting tattoos in places she won’t be able to really see during her second pregnancy and general sexual deviancy, became tiring. “I failed a class, changed my major to the most unhireable thing I could think of, and acquired a faint German accent, just to prove to my mom how well I can YOLO,” she said. Unfortunately, after having run out of obvious ways to experiment with the cloth of life, Reynolds was forced to screw up even the smallest things. “It doesn’t taste too good,” she said, crunching. “But it gives me a rush, you know? I’m really living my best life.”
Her mother was unavailable for comment.