guest writer

Trump Already Working On Putting His Name On The White House

Guest writer Annie Lazarski joins the PTN newsroom to give us this story.

5:00 pm, Eastern Time

With the ballots counted, many people have been comparing this election to that of the election of 1828, when the face off between Andrew Jackson and John Quincy Adams resulted in the dirtiest campaigns in history.  Jackson won, and, on Inauguration Day, an uncontrollable party was hosted in the White House.  With the Populist candidates winning both then and now, many have taken to Twitter to ask Trump if they can expect a similar gathering come January 20th.

“Ask the low energy architect if he’ll be done by then,” Trump tweeted.

Sparking much confusion, people began to wonder what he could have meant in saying that.  One Hillary supporter told PTN, “I bet he’s widening the door frames of the White House so that his big head can fit in them”,  while one of Trump’s supporters thinks it’s “a place to put the jobs that Trump is going to bring back from China, China, China.”

While we are uncertain why an architect is needed, it is clear that Trump is not going to waste any time in trying to make change.  We received word that he has already reached out to a friend of his about planning a shirtless horseback riding race among foreign leaders.  “Nowhere cold, though.  I don’t need my hands shrinking any more than they already have,” an anonymous campaign insider claims he heard Trump say earlier today.  

BREAKING NEWS!!! PTN SPECIAL REPORTING!!!

5:38 pm, Eastern Time

We have just received word that Trump tried to jump the fence onto White House grounds in attempt to write ‘TRUMP’ on the side of the building.  He was caught holding a can of gold spray paint.

When asked why it could not wait until January, Trump looked confused.

“But, officer,” he replied. “I never enter a building unless my name’s on the side!”

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Nation Needs ‘Gilmore Girls’ Revival, Now More Than Ever

In a country shaken by the results of what has been a traumatic election season, only one thing can remedy the frustration, despair, and hostility that Americans on all sides of the table are feeling.

That thing is the Gilmore Girls revival, which premieres November 25th on Netflix.

The anticipation for this reboot has only played second-fiddle to the Presidential election because of all the hoopla about “human rights” and “morals,” themes that have been keeping all US citizens glued to the TV, which, early this morning, declared that Professional Rich Guy Donald Trump will, one day soon, be President Rich Guy Donald Trump.

We asked one 28-year old mother who watched the show in its heyday and needs a reprieve from the hellish state of politics in which the country is currently finding itself in how she feels about the reboot.

“‘Gilmore Girls’ couldn’t come fast enough,” said Marsha Buchanan, watching her infant daughter play. “This election has left me feeling hopeless in a way that only Rory and Lorelai Gilmore can fix.”

Buchanan said she was “disappointed” about the results of the election.

“I don’t know how Stars Hollow voted, but I think I might want to live there,” she said.

The single mother is now very worried about the future of her two year old daughter.

“I hope she turns out to be a uneducated, straight white man from rural America,” Buchanan said. “That’s the best thing a girl can be now.”