5 Questions I Had During The Presidential Debate

  1. Why do I feel the need to cross my legs when I see the GOP nominee waving his hands around?
  2. Can said GOP nominee tell us around what number “tremendous” signifies?
  3. Why does said Presidential candidate sound like something I would have written as a sophomore on my AP Gov test?
  4. Why do I KNOW he would have gotten, like, a 2, maximum?
  5. How soon would it take my parents to murder me if I talked to them like this?

A List of Things Men Can Say to Other Men Without Contributing to Rape Culture


Some cool conversation ideas for men! Because “boys being boys” is not a free pass for molesting people! What a NEW, INNOVATIVE idea!

                    Things Men Can Say to Each Other Without Objectifying Women

  1. Literally anything! It’s not actually that hard to not be a complete ass. You can talk about your life, your job, your family, the weather, sports, pressing political issues, and you can still not be a misogynistic creep. Even when you’re talking about women, it’s not hard to not be sexist! Just pretend like women are human beings who can hear what you are saying and know that it is wrong.
  2. See number 1. It’s that simple.

Source Claims Trump Actually Evil Bag of Cats

Outlandish? Not if you think about it.

The GOP nominee, according to a recent theory, might just be an evil bag of cats. This theory answers some very important questions about the possible future Commander-in-Chief, such as why he moved around so much during the last debate (he’s a bag of cats), his fickle temperament (he’s a bag of cats), and the fact that his hair always looks like it was recently licked by a cat (one of the cats did it).

Trump being an evil bag of cats gives loyal Republicans the free pass they’ve been searching for all election season. Party members may breathe a sigh of relief now that they realize the candidate they chose is not an incoherent, racist, full-grown human man, but a bag of cats that have managed a surprising level of efficiency in the English language.

Trump being an evil bag of cats answers a lot of questions, but it creates just as many. People are wondering, for instance, what exactly these cats want. What is their purpose? What made them evil? Have they been peeing inside him, this whole entire time?  

Some of these questions, we realize, will remain unanswerable if the evil bag of cats becomes President, and the cats become unflinching dictators, bending the public to their quirky feline needs. Our source was able to confirm one thing, though. The cats definitely know where Aleppo is.
(Sorry Gary.)


American Citizens to Begin Preemptive Book Burnings

In preparation for the results of the 2016 Presidential election, several thousand American citizens have begun to burn the books they have in their homes.

“We’re just getting ready for the inevitable,” said 45 year old soccer mom Sally Clarkson. “It’s going to be either Clinton or Trump, so me and the kids’ dad discussed it and we started going through our things and tossing stuff that could get us shot whenever the country inevitably degenerates into a poorly ran dictatorship.”

Clarkson is not alone in this strange preparation for whoever the next President will be.  Whole libraries have begun to empty their shelves of anything that could spark any resentment against the next leader of the American people.

“We’re talking everything from Dr. Seuss to John Locke,” said one librarian who asked to remain anonymous.  Libraries, according to our source, have started to transfer their more inflammatory literature in locked cellars in secret locations all around the country.

Some book-burners are even glad to do it.

“I’ve decided it won’t be too bad,” said one American voter. “I can’t remember the last time I seriously thought about anything, anyway, so the books don’t really matter. It seems like we’ve steadily gone toward this.”