My Secret Lady Power


Paul Manafort recently said that when Hillary Clinton is threatened by a female, she “tries to destroy them.” The “she” in question is the willing bride of Donald Trump, Melania Trump. The destruction he is referring to? The obvious plagiarism of Michelle Obama’s 2008 convention speech. If you haven’t looked at it, do so here.

To Manafort, and everyone else who thinks Clinton is behind Mrs. Trump parading Mrs. Obama’s words as her own, I say this: everything you have ever suspected is true.

As a woman, I feel qualified to speak on behalf of all other women. And though this is hard for me to write, because my brain is always thinking about tampons, I do have to say that yes, Clinton is absolutely somehow behind the plagiarism. Because Melania is so hot and Hillary is so not, the latter has had to try impressive stunts in order to win the public’s favor. Among these is running for President.

Clinton’s ability to target enemies who threaten her power (read: are hotter than she is (read: because women derive their power from how hot they are)) is primarily reliant on one skill that all women possess. This is the skill of mind control, but only a particular kind which allows one woman to make another woman seem less than Presidential while reading a speech at a Republican National Convention. How do I know this? I, too, have this special talent.

Like all child-bearers, I am overly emotional, dull, relatively unintelligent, and almost completely dependent on a man (it doesn’t matter who, can be a stranger) to permit me to function in everyday society. It is all just so hard. But the upswing to this seemingly tepid way of life imposed upon me by my genitalia and hormone releases and gender identification is that I am capable of, very specifically, making people recite Michelle Obama. I did this one time to a girl I went to school with. But that’s a long story, like this one.

In conclusion, we’re all winners and I think we need to make America great again, but in this America if the women aren’t sexy we shouldn’t listen to them. And we should absolutely give the boot to feminism, because there is no reason we need that, anyway.




Nation Torn Over Calvin Harris, Taylor Swift Conflict

“This is by far the most important thing I’ve seen all week,” said 18 year old Trisha Walters, scanning her iPhone. “I feel so lucky to be alive during such a tumultuous time in our nation’s history.”

Walters is of course referring to the recent conflict that has surfaced involving American singer-songwriter/heartbreak sensation Taylor Swift and her ex-beau Calvin Harris, who, in a fit of bravery unbeknownst to common man, tweeted a slew of sharp-tongued and seemingly called for tweets directed at the country-pop crossover. Swift, who has started seeing another young man named Tom Hiddleston, recently confirmed she wrote Harris’ hit song “This Is What You Came For,” lighting a match in the previously docile, but now gaseous and flammable, air between the two ex-lovers.

Calvin Harris has been uncommonly vocal about the split, shocking the world, as the majority of Swift’s ex-boyfriends have a tendency to shove their heads in the sand when she calls it quits. His surprising will to live after she broke up with him as awoken the fear and trembling of a nation.

“I’ve never seen something on the news that I felt so awe-struck by,” said Mike Jones, a 40 year old construction worker. “I wish there was something so nuanced and impactful in the international news that could claim my focus and attention.”

Harris, who said he was “hurt” and unwilling to let Swift “bury” him as she did famed singer and cat impersonator Katy Perry, has served as a good outlet for the world’s newly re-emerged contempt for Swift. His bravery has shook millions.

“Before Calvin stood up to Taylor, I thought I should just settle for things in life,” said Martha Randall, a 30-year old married woman with four kids. “But after I got on Twitter and saw some random Scottish dude take down the queen of perfection itself? I thought geez Louise, I gotta get out of here!”

Randall then abandoned her four young children and her loving husband to pursue her lifelong dream of travelling the world. Currently, she is “blazing a doobie” in the red light district of Amsterdam, thanking God and Calvin Harris for showing her the true potential of mankind, and the beauty that lies past the obstacle of fear.

“Ever since Calvin tweeted about Taylor Swift, I have felt that I too should be living life like there is no tomorrow!” said Randall.

Don’t think Walters and Randall and others like them stupid! They Googled the latest American shooting AND the coup in Turkey, they just got sidetracked and clicked the E! News pop up.


American Public Astonished to Discover ‘Hamilton’ Based on True Events

“Holy crap, that actually happened?” asked a man on a beach somewhere with a bit of a belly and a Miller Lite in his hand. “I just thought it was all so catchy it couldn’t be true.”

The man on the beach is not alone. In his surprise that the events of the hit Broadway musical Hamilton truly transpired, he wisely echoed the shock and awe of a whole nation. 

“Before I saw Hamilton, I really thought a bald eagle brought America from heaven to the world,” laughed a middle-aged woman, good-naturely. “I really didn’t know much. But I got to see the musical last summer, and now I know everything.”

The woman took a moment to clarify.

“I know everything about the American Revolution, and that’s only because I know the full soundtrack by heart,” the woman said, modestly. “I’m waiting for Lin to write a musical about the conflict in Vietnam, or even the Obama administration, because I really can’t follow politics now unless they’re sung to me.”

Before Hamilton came to Broadway and helped teach Americans why we have a celebration on the Fourth of July, the average citizen really didn’t have that much of an idea. To get an idea of how in the dark the country was, we interviewed some people who have not yet seen the sensational musical.

“I thought it was because we were the first nation to discover soda-pop,” said a 70-year old man.

“We have a party on the Fourth of July because we simply aren’t communists. Communists do not have parties on the Fourth of July, almost explicitly so, and because we are absolutely nothing like those jerks, we do have a party, just to spite them,” explained a 12-year-old girl with blonde pigtails.

It seems that beyond freedom and lowered taxes on tea, we ought to be thankful for Lin-Manuel Miranda.

Happy Fourth!