satire

Local Woman Discovers Childhood Mood Ring, Begins to Doubt Everything

“I don’t know what to believe anymore,” said 25-year-old Lauren Michaels.

Michaels, who is engaged to be married on the 7th of June, recently found an old childhood mood ring while packing to move to the house she purchased jointly with her fiance, Dennis Jones. In a moment of sentimentality, Michaels slipped the ring on to her pinky finger.

“The color went from the standard teal blue to a bright orange. I was immediately hooked,” Michaels said.

After seeing the color change, Michaels unfurled the color code to see what emotion orange signified.

“The little key said that I was angry…and then all of the sudden, I was,” she said.

This was two weeks ago.

“I haven’t taken it off since,” Michaels said. “It’s just so nice to know what I’m feeling all the time.”

The recent law school graduate first began using the mood ring for “little stuff.”

“If I was at the grocery store, for instance, it would help me to choose yogurt flavors,” Michaels said. “But it escalated.”

Within a matter of days, the mood ring put even the most important parts of Michaels’ life under serious scrutiny.

“All of the sudden, my fiance came home and my mood ring would go to a sick lime green color—which means indifference,” she said. “It broke my heart, but I told him, I said, Dennis. We need to talk.”

Jones, also a recent law school graduate, said the situation has been “tough.”

“She sat me down one night and would take turns looking from the ring, to me, then to the ring again,” he said. “If I said something and it started to change color, she’d hush me so she could focus on watching it change. It’s been hell.”

Michaels sees little fault with the situation because of a particular experience she had with the same mood ring back in middle school.

“So I was into this boy, Brian, and all of my friends were like he’s so into you and he was telling me he was into me and I was sort of into him but I couldn’t tell if I just wanted a boyfriend or not and so I bought this ring,” she said, holding her right hand up proudly. “And the ring turned pink, which means I did like him.”

Michaels and her middle school boyfriend dated up until junior year of high school—she cites the power of the ring.

“I used to think I knew how I felt,” she said. “But now, I know that I know how I feel. And that’s real magic.”
The wedding may or may not be off; Michaels is currently running some tests, which mainly involve rubbing the ring on her fiance’s face and holding it close under a light.

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satire

“I’m with Trump,” Says Satan

Because God isn’t the only one involved in politics, Satan gives his take on the 2016 election.

“When I first heard Trump was running, I definitely wasn’t impressed,” said Satan. “God’ll let someone like him through once in awhile just to keep everyone on their toes. But after a few months of the race with no divine intervention, I started to become excited.”

Despite Satan’s enthusiasm for Mr. Trump, he can’t take any credit for the candidate’s success, though he “really wishes he could.”

“You wouldn’t believe how many calls I got,” he said. “‘Satan, what is your problem? Satan, too far!’”

Satan sighed.

“Some of the stuff Trump is coming up with is just ingenious. I mean, everything’s so simple!” Satan shook his head good-naturedly.

“I’m always using demon-possessing, hood-wink type shit,” he said. “If I knew I could have just walked up to a crowd of full-grown adults and yelled racist stuff about Mexicans? I would have done that ages ago!”

Satan isn’t too hard on himself, though.

“Like any job, you’re always learning. But I’ve got a good work ethic—no one, not even myself, can do something great on their own. You need a team,” Satan said, heavily implying he would like to directly work with Trump in the future.

Satan explained that he is looking to rebrand himself.

“Listen. I’ve been this…this, thing,” he said, gesturing to the flames coming out of his skin and the gummy, black darkness of evil seeping out of his eyes, “for a millennia now. The kids just aren’t into it.”

“What are the kids into? Soft drugs. 5 for 25 thong sales. Pretending they like The Beatles,” Satan said, tallying off with his fingers.

“What I’m saying is, maybe this time ol’Donny will get into the White House. But the time after? In a country where anything goes…” Satan said, wagging his eyebrows.
#SATAN2020

satire

North Carolina 0 for 2 On This Whole Equality Thing

Civil rights and North Carolina have always had an interesting relationship.

North Carolina, in passing HB2, clings to its traditions of institutionalized discrimination and generally being on the wrong side of history. The legislation aims to prohibit transgender citizens from using any bathroom not for their born gender, and very clearly violates Federal law.

But the battle over bathroom rights has just begun, and North Carolina is doing its best to make it the pissing match of a lifetime.

“We’re not afraid to get our hands dirty and not wash them after,” said NC state government representative Bob Shmoe.

Shmoe, while admittedly “not real familiar with the gay community” or “human rights”, is against allowing transgender citizens to use whatever bathroom they feel most comfortable in because “it ain’t right.”

“You know what’s right? Fried chicken,” he said, without elaborating.

“As an American, I have the freedom to decide that people aren’t allowed to make me uncomfortable,” Shmoe said, vigorously rubbing his belly and aggressively trying to make eye contact with passersby.

North Carolina native Christina Evans has another perspective on the controversy. Evans worries that Americans aren’t really understanding the issue properly.

“This isn’t about equality, or freedom! This is about aliens,” she said. Evans, the acting leader of a secret society which believes that the LGBTQ+ community is actually the attempt of extraterrestrials to colonize Earth by corrupting “our moral values”, said she believes that aliens will take over any day now.

She also said she believes that people’s resistance to accept how dangerous the transgender community is a clear sign that the aliens are growing stronger.

“Just the other day, I caught myself thinking a gay thought. And then I said, no.” Evans took a deep, empowering breath. “Take that, aliens.”

Shmoe expressed his concern that non-North Carolinians think the state, like an angsty teenager choosing to be in Slytherin, takes pleasure in setting itself up as the antagonist in human right issues.

“I get real antsy when people say my state has started being wrong about these so-called equality things on purpose,” Shmoe said, becoming visibly antsy. “Listen, we coulda been wrong about the whole Jim Crow situation, but I have a good feeling about this!”

 

satire

Local Mom Wishes Children Would Celebrate Holiday By Not Being Complete Assholes

“Just one day a year I’d like to get through dinner without my kids making fun of me for not knowing what a Hoodie Allen is,” said local mother Willow Thompson.

For moms everywhere, today is a day of Bath and Body Works gift sets and Hallmark cards. For Thompson, mother of three and middle school teacher, her deepest desire is for her children to not act like the devilish fiends that guard the gates of Hell.

“I love them. They are my greatest joy,” she said. “But geez, they sure are a pain in my ass.”

Thompson said that last year’s Mother’s Day was “brutal.”

“They started fighting over who loved me more, which was sweet,” Thompson said. “But then it escalated. My husband and I could only watch in awe.”

The fight became very personal, much to the horror of Thompson, who “only wanted to enjoy the company of her three beautiful kids and loving husband.”

“It got really, really bad,” she said. “My youngest daughter ended it by announcing that my oldest daughter lost her virginity at a drive-in movie theater when she was 17.”

Thompson called this revelation “surprising.”

“But hey, that’s motherhood for you!” she said.

This year, Thompson’s children, through the mediation of their father, Steve, have agreed to not compromise their mother’s special day by saying anything related to who has lost their virginity and where. When Thompson heard about this, she became very excited.

“They’re kids. They’re crazy, crazy kids. Honestly, I can’t emphasize this enough. My kids are assholes,” she said, probably a bit too loud. But then she softened.

“They’re my assholes, though. Just…for today, I’d like it if they toned it down,” Thompson said.

Thompson said she will “try hard to be relaxed” for today.

“It’s just difficult,” the mom said, mindlessly sipping the coffee her middle child had tried to make her, the grounds swirling at the top. “Because it’s not really in the job description.”

 

satire

Becoming President Would Be Trump’s Second-Most Impressive Sexual Conquest

 

Ever wondered what exactly it is about Trump’s campaign that leaves you feeling so violated?

According to a recent interview with Trump’s campaign manager Sven Wyatt, it’s because Trump has made the conscious decision to treat his race to the White House in the same manner he would pick up a woman at a bar.

“Is there a better way to know a country, and I mean really know a country, than to have sex with it I mean be its President?” Wyatt said seriously.

Wyatt, a recent graduate of an online higher-education program which specializes in politics, dentistry, and becoming the imperial wizard of the KKK, has had literally no experience managing a campaign, but says he knows he’s doing a “bang-up job”.

“How do I know I’m doing a great job? Well, I’ve seen it done in movies,” he said.

Wyatt seemed adamant that Trump could “handle anything” because he’s been in some “pretty tight places before, if you know what I mean.”

“Listen, the man’s a gazillionaire. He’s seen so many naked girls before,” Wyatt took a minute to giggle before sobering up. “What I mean to say is, he’s seen everything. That’s what we need in a President. We need someone who can stare unblinkingly into the lust-filled violence of today’s modern politics and not be afraid to get down and dirty.”

While Trump has been criticized for being “over the top” and “an insensitive dumbass” by some, there do exist a few people who, for whatever reason, are at points in their lives where they feel as if they truly do need a rich racist to take care of them and make them feel beautiful.

“I feel the most loved when a man is willing to sit there and tell me blatant lies to my face,” said a crying 30-year-old who is “really sick of Tinder” and “thought she’d have it figured out by now.”

As both John Kasich and Ted Cruz have dropped out of the race, Trump no longer needs to use any of his moves on America, according to Wyatt.

“Listen, at this point, America is going to let anyone into her pants,” he said. “He might not earn the approval of her grandparents, but she still has needs.”

Wyatt added that the only real difference between Trump and a bad one-night stand is that when America sleeps with Trump she’ll have to share his bed for the next four years.

“Drunk decisions are the best decisions,” he said wisely. “Go with your gut.”

When asked if she’d consider voting for Trump, the crying 30-year-old stopped her sniffling and looked around the bar.

“Is there anyone else?” she asked. The bar, with once-hopeful red and blue streamers now strewn about like good men dying on a field of battle, was about to close. A “Vote Kasich!” sign teetered on the edge of the wall and dropped to the ground.

She turned, squaring her shoulders and raising her chin in the way people do when they realize how every single failure of their life has culminated into a single moment, and she bravely said yes, she supposed she would, seeing as all the good* ones were truly gone.

 

*less bad.