AFA Members Have Annual Picnic to Talk About how Straight They Are

Boycotting Target isn’t the only fun thing the American Family Association has been up to recently! On Wednesday, some AFA members got together for an annual picnic, during which they engaged in “reasonably joyous” and “not at all flamboyant” celebration of their heterosexuality and intolerance for others.

“It’s fun,” said Chuck Smith, who organizes the picnic each year. “But not too fun.”

The American Family Association, an organization which seeks to uphold rigid moral beliefs, has bravely created a petition which daringly hopes to prevent transgender citizens from using whichever bathroom they feel like using.  Some might say depriving the already-discriminated against community of the right to take a shit wherever they’d like is almost cruel, but Chuck disagrees.

“You can’t give ‘em one moment of rest,” he said in between bites of a no-nonsense ham and cheese sandwich. “Constant vigilance.”

The American Family Association sets itself up against the LGBTQ plus community, which is, according to AFA member Laura Campbell, “simply exhausting.”

“You have no idea what it’s like to constantly be the bad guy,” Laura said. “Especially when the gay community is so goddamn charming. Everyone’s like gay-rights this, trans-rights that.”

Rudy Johnson, active AFA member and father of three, had some complaints to share about the suffering of straight people in light of the new “equality” movement.

“I have three little girls,” Rudy said, “but we have a strict no-rainbow policy at home. I feel like Hitler.”

The picnic, a celebration of the hard work of the AFA, is by no means a relaxed affair. The constituents of the organization feel the need to be on message during the entirety of the event.

“We take this time to really think about how awesome it is that we’re all straight, normal people,” Campbell said, all the while keeping an eye on the other picnic-goers, trying to catch one of them do something remotely gay.

“I’m straight,” said a certain Mike Hughes, who just wandered up to the interview without introducing himself.

“I am straight!” echoed all of the picnic-goers in unison.

Laura took a deep breath, relaxing a bit.

“See?” she said, her voice the only sound in the whole outdoor pavilion, which was very straightly decorated with gray streamers. “This is a party!”

(Miss Campbell requested I add that she too is “very straight” and “incredibly happy” to have found a husband who is as repulsed with the world as she is.)


Abstinence-Only Educators to Start Saying “Peepee” and “The You Know” to Promote Safety of Students

A high school in the United States has made the brave decision to implement even stronger abstinence-only policies in educating its students. Despite the outrage of the general public, who claim this form of teaching is “ineffective and belligerently irresponsible” and “just plain stupid”, the administration of the high school feels secure in their new program.

“Look, we know that the evidence is against us,” Principal Smith. “But that’s what makes it so exciting. I mean, look at Steve Jobs, Jesus—all these people who were huge successes against insurmountable odds.”

The new program would go even further than denying the reality in which students might have sex—a reality that the standard abstinence-only program consistently avoids—by attempting to disassociate students with their sexual organs. By making genitalia seem foreign and strange, the administrators hope that students will eventually give up trying to figure out what to do with them altogether.

“I didn’t even look at that part of myself until I was 24 years old, and I turned out just fine!” insisted Smith.

The school has decided to substitute the words penis and vagina for “peepee” and “the you know.”

“We gave them silly names so students would think they’re just silly,” Smith said. “I mean, those are super silly words.”

The high school is not naive, however. The administration is in fact aware that “devil-given” sexual urges are a part of the transition students undergo from childhood to adulthood. In an effort to curb unwanted “pre-marital tomfoolery,” the school will be presenting the movie Teeth as a documentary to the student body.

“It’s a great way of showing how icky you-knows are,” Smith said.

The administration, though hopeful about the new program, is also working on an after school program for students who are also teen parents.

Sarah Martin, sophomore student and mother of two, is a member of this program.

“It’s really helpful; the teachers are really nice about getting us back into the swing of things!” Martin said, adding she still “kinda wished she knew” what a condom was.



North Korea Tries to Do a Thing: Does Not Do That Thing

What do your flaky friend, your unwilling-to-settle-down love interest and North Korea all have in common?

Commitment issues!

On Thursday night, North Korea was supposed to launch a missile and it failed. The international community is starting to become a little upset.

“Just once I would love for North Korea to actually follow through on something,” complained France early this morning.

Lack of follow-through seems to be a major issue with the charming, mostly rural nation of North Korea. Some countries go so far as to say they suspect North Korea is simply posturing in an attempted power play.

“I mean, if you say you’re gonna blow something up, blow something up!” Italy commented.

Despite the outlash, others in the international community have reached out to North Korea in encouragement. Even the United States of America, a country whose citizens have deep pride in not knowing where North Korea is, stated in a press conference that while it disagrees with everything North Korea stands for, it understands where the rambunctious little country is coming from.

“Listen, I don’t like the guy, but we’ve all been there,” the US said, fondly remembering the days in which the Number One nation itself was just a little tyke.

Besides the failed missile launch being important because it failed, it’s also important because they launched a missile. Especially considering that if North Korea is in a war, the other country has not been made aware of it.

The act of aggression seems to imply that North Korea is wanting something, which, our political analysts at PTN say, does not make sense. They have a lovely country side, citizens who live in either completely terrified or brainwashed states, a cute dictator—and according to France, who is a democracy but Always Sort of Liked That Type of Thing, that’s really everything a country needs.

“It just makes you think,” France said, leaning in and widening her eyes, “that North Korea is compensating for something, you know?”

“For the size of their country, I mean,” France added hastily. “Gotta keep it PC!”



Miami University to Charge Students for Air, Breathing

Breathing is about to become a lot more expensive. The administration of Miami University of Ohio has decided to pull the plug on allowing students to consume air at exorbitant rates—for free.

“We realized there were a large amount of students and faculty who breathe during their time on campus,” said Director of Student Expenses, Flurp Smith. “That is a huge source of profit for the school we have simply not been taking advantage of.”

The proposed system will fine students for their air intake at the beginning of each academic semester. Students will have to submit to a type of physical before they arrive on campus in the fall. The primary goal of these physicals is to procure the measurements of students’ mouths.

“We figure, the bigger the mouth, the more air a student inhales,” Smith said.

He noted that because Miami University is a public school, those who suffer from respiratory illnesses will not face an additional charge for the excess air they consume.

“There was really no way around that,” he said.

The student board at Miami has, perhaps not surprisingly, made claim they have reason to believe this additional charge is both unlawful and extremely unfair. The administration has turned down the student board’s attempt to have an official meeting on the topic. Instead, those in charge have hid in their offices, holding waggling fingers to their heads and taunting, “Nanana booboo, bet you won’t transfer!”

Meanwhile, chaos has exploded: disgruntled parents have begun to buy off-brand cereal items for breakfast; students are taking first and second jobs in order to pay the breathing fee; younger siblings still in high school are being told they can only go to the University of Phoenix; the richer families attending MU are considering selling their second yacht; alumni who have children at Miami are angry, sure, but they can’t pretend they’re surprised.


An Interview with God


For years, God has thrown His support to political candidates. From the English monarchy to George W. Bush, He has chosen, sometimes arbitrarily, who is deemed worthy enough to lead.

Reporter Amanda Brennan asks God if He would consider backing Republican candidate Donald Trump for the 2016 Presidential election. The following is a transcript from the raw interview.


Brennan: Hi God.

God: Hi Amanda. I’d ask you how you’re doing, but I already know.

Brennan: [Laughs.]

God: [Laughs.]

Brennan: So, I have to ask. Have you been following the U.S. presidential election?

God: Certainly. It’s all anyone talks about up here.

Brennan: Really? Why’s that?

God: Well, for the same reason we’re doing this interview, I suppose. Everyone seems to think the election is going to Hell, and, as usual, everyone’s looking to Me to stop it.

Brennan: Just the other day I heard that the GOP was praying for divine intervention.

God: [Looks uneasy.] Yes, I received that.

Brennan: Well? Are you planning on getting involved?

God: It’s not usually something I like to get involved in.  I mean, sure, I’ll let a candidate claim he has My approval without striking him down, but I don’t run people’s campaigns for them.

Brennan: So what does that mean for this election? Because it looks like we might have a President Trump in the future, and everyone’s worried…

God: About the failure of America’s experiment with democracy? It’s funny, really funny, that we’re talking about this now, when Me and some guys let the colonists do that as a sort of joke. We never knew it would take so well, that people would like it so much! People, Amanda, no matter how long you know them, will surprise you.

Brennan: Thanks for the advice, God.

God: It’s not a problem. Back to your question—because I know what you mean. If Trump were to become president, I could see the possibility of a third world war. I could also see the possibility of a last world war. I can also vividly see the possibility of a One Tree Hill reboot. What I’m trying to say here, is that there are a lot of possibilities to consider.

Brennan: So, to be clear, you don’t support Trump? You know, he says he’s a Christian. It makes it sound like he’s in Your favor.

God: I love Donald Trump, but only because I have to. His mom has told me the same thing several times.

Brennan: So you won’t tell him he’s got Your recommendation for the job?

God: I don’t think he cares what I think.

Brennan: Why’s that?

God: Well, he and I were having a heart to heart one night, and I said some things about how we should look after refugees, and he said some things about his penis size*, and one thing led to another, and…

Brennan: What happened?

God: This is weird for me to say, because it’s never happened before, but…I think I got fired.

Brennan: I think that’s all I had to ask. I’ll definitely be keeping in contact, though. Especially if Trump wins…[gathers papers]. I’ll be talking to you a lot then.

God: Are you sure you don’t want to stay for dinner? Mary’s cooking.


*God later confirmed what many have suspected: Donald Trump’s dick is a mere 1 ¾ of an inch long; a full quarter of an inch shorter than that of Lucky the Leprechaun’s. **


**God used his book, Penis Sizes: A Complete Human History, as a reference. ***


***The book also has pictures.